Today I went outside on my porch to see how my garden is doing. My seedlings are really doing so well and I love spending time with them everyday...placing them in sun, giving them drink, and just sitting with them in silence.
As I went out to them I held a sadness in my heart. I felt alone. You see, this weekend is my first weekend ever in my life that I did not attend any church for Easter services. I looked inside my heart during Lent and I just wanted quiet time from it all. I needed to regroup about the whole "church" thing. I have been hurt by some in the church, mainly the judgements and politics I have experienced and I just feel tired of it all and it has been in me for awhile now. I think longer than I realized. I am also tired of others expressing their hurt by the church, feeling judgements, left out, frustrated and so forth. This is a feeling growing among many individuals and I can't believe I find myself a part of that many.
My current studies have taking me on a new path for myself and I feel it is hard for me to fit in at a church at this moment of my life. I knew I was heading that way anyway. I know some look at me wondering where has she gone? I ask myself as well. But to follow the spirit I must follow in my truth and right now I do not feel like entering a church building. I am not sure why, as my dedication to church was immense. But as I live more fully I am understanding more of who I truly am deep in my soul.
When I went outside today I felt an energy that stopped me in my tracks. I have been feeling this often and realize it is a feeling that is growing inside my belly just as I watch the plants grow before my eyes. When I go outside here I can't help but be called to listen and pay close attention. I feel born again, over and over again. I receive daily lessons from nature, just as I used to have read the daily office. To be so still, so quiet, gives me such appreciation for the practice of meditation. I can go outside in great sadness and loss and come back inside, rejuvenated and alive again with new awarenesses. Everyday my office is my porch outside. Computers, books and all, I spend hours looking out at the trees and all that is going on in front of my eyes. Jesus shared of experiencing heaven on earth...I believe this is what it is all about. Feeling that sacred connection is truly a gift to receive and you can everyday if you allow.
So, my sadness washed away on this sunny day. My plants and nature all around me share a love that passes my understanding. I am loved for who I am, no judgements, no politics, no rejection what so ever. The trees are not looking back me saying "Debbie, there is only one way or you are doing it wrong". All that is mirrored back to me is this incredible love that brings life, inspiration and plenty of food for the soul. It is an invitation with open arms.
Therefore, I will keep visiting this new "church" I am discovering, dedicating my life to it. Every morning if I wish and every night if I wish. It seems quite available and never ceasing in taking me on the sacred path. I know this has been with me my whole life. I can only hope all on their spiritual journeys experience this as well, whether in a church setting or life setting or both. Just because church is not feeding me at the moment, I am very aware it feeds others. Accepting each other on our journeys and celebrating where people are with God is important. It isn't about who has the better way or what you "think" you should follow because everyone else is or about changing people to conform to what you believe. Being with others on their journeys is what it is about, walking side by side in peace. It is good to know your truth inside, trusting and following it. Thank you Spirit for never giving up on me. I feel so welcome and loved. Thank You. Happy Easter!
Namaste
